Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Anger/Hitting/Throwing

Hi Ladies! Here is another really great question for you mommies! Thanks again to everyone for reading!!

could you post a blog asking for advice about how other moms have dealt with the anger/hitting/throwing issue???i have tried reading magazines and doing internet research, but they don't really give good, realistic advice...i'd love to hear what some other moms have to say about the subject.

Hello, Mommy. I am interested in your post, I too have a child that went through quite a stage with hitting and throwing. I am unsure how old your child is or what your view is on discipline, but I will tell you what worked for us:
My son was about 2 when he started to get really disruptive. He would act out at home, or in public places. It became very frustrating for my husband and I. When we had our second child when he was about 2 1/2, he mellowed out some. One thing I think helped was that we moved him out of his crib for his brother. So we made a big deal out of him now being a big boy and big boys do not hit or throw. I also started potty training him, which he didn't catch on to for another 6 months but he would go on the potty and he was very proud of the big boy behavior. It was a reward for him just to really feel like a big boy and get to do big boy things. However, he was still into hitting and throwing objects (he never threw himself down just threw other things - and not at anyone specifically, just to show he was upset). Needless to say, we had to figure out something he understood. Time out just didn't work for him. Taking toys away didn't work. He didn't seem to understand the concept. I finally tired just putting him in the middle of his toddler bed, and shutting the door (this was when he would demonstrate the negative behavior at home). I did that because his doctor told us that negative attention is still better than no attention for kids. So we basically cut him off from everyone for 5 minutes. It was lonely for him in there, and so he finally quit. When we were in public, I would take him to the car and let him sit (me standing outside of the car of course, not inside with him). It may seem harsh to some people, but it was all we could figure. Once he learned that we were serious about removing him from the situation he eventually quit doing the behavior that would make us take him out. It took a while though, I remember thinking that it was not working. My main reason in being so serious with him was that I lived in fear that he would throw something that might hit his little brother. I was also tired of getting stared at in public, he is a sweet child, I was tired of people judging me and him in their heads! Keep us posted! Katherine

I have a response for the Anger/Hitting/Throwing mom. Actually, I more so want to know how old her child is. Also, what types of behavior specifically is she/he showing? Is she/he actually angry at something or just trying to get attention? Anger is a strong word. I have a little boy that throws things, but I often brush it off as a boy just being a boy. I wonder if I am "in the dark". I want to hear more from her. Thanks!

Here is a little bit of follow up information I got from Stacey:

my son is almost 2 1/2. the hitting and throwing is almost always done out of anger and/or frustration. occasionally he will throw things in a playful fashion, which isn't quite as upsetting to me as when he throws his cup down because it's "white milk" instead of "chocolate milk" or whatever. and the hitting is always when he's mad, too. actually, back when he was about 18 months old, he started this behaviour with hair pulling. if he was mad,or if i had to pick him up to take him somewhere he didn't want to go, or whatever, he would pull my hair as hard as he could while he was throwing his little fit.i'm sure i didn't help the situation by giving him a reaction! i know you are just supposed to ignore them when they act up this way. he finally grew out of the hair pulling, but now it's been replaced by hitting. it's not always that he is TRYING to hit ME, it's just that he thrashes his arms at hits at anything in his way.i do not believe in hitting him back or spanking.we've tried time outs, which do help calm him down, but it just hasn't taught him not to do it again! the good news is, i don't think he does this at daycare (i'm sure we would have heard about this). i know kids will act up at home or with their parents because they feel safe and secure and they are pushing their limits.and i also know that he is using hitting/throwing as a way to release anger or frustration because he doesn't have the vocabulary yet to express how mad he is. (or maybe he doesn't even understand the concept???)anyway, it is frustrating and i know kids will be kids and 2 year olds will be 2 year olds...but i want this behaviour to stop!!!thanks for your feedback! -stacey

Stacey, I think the first mom is really on to something. I think maybe that one thing you might want to think about is turning your precious little man (and my precious little nephew) into a "big boy". Since time out doesn't seem to be working, what if you give him more responsibility. Make him more accountable for his behavior in sorts. At 2-3 they really can understand things like the big boy bed being a big deal. But if he can't act like a big boy (and big boys don't hit or throw) then he can't be in the big boy bed. Or give him a big boy toy or sorts - maybe a big boy pool (just one of those small baby pools) since it is hot outside. But if he can't act like a big boy then he can't play in the big boy pool.... Or have a fun big boy day - something that he really enjoys doing with you, and if he throws or hits, he doesn't get to go. I know with my daughter we made check marks on a paper and put it in the kitchen - she really had to earn a toy by getting check marks in each box. We showed her what a check mark was. Maybe you could purchase a semi-large (doesn't have to be expensive, just large in size always makes them "want" it a little more I think) toy and make him go a day without hitting to get a check. When he gets a certian number of checks, he gets the toy. I think he would understand that as long as you talked about it a lot and put the toy where he could see it. Those are just a few ideas!! Awbs

Here are a few more recent emails from Moms! These are great, ladies, keep sending them!!! Awbs

Hi Stacie. I read what you had to say about your child. Do you think some of it could be just "boys being boys"? Or actually, just a "child being a child". He knows that hitting is not right, because he doesn't do it at daycare. So maybe he is just trying to see what he can get away with at home? Have you tried just ignoring it? Or just saying, "we don't hit" and move on? It just sounds like to me that he is just being 2 since he doesn't do it at daycare. Hope things get better! Katherine

I think all 2 year olds throw fits and he will grow out of it. He isn't going to be hitting when he goes to college. Just keep doing what you think is best, obviously you have done a good job thus far or you wouldn't be reaching out trying to make life better for him.



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions.
i am sure that it is definitely just part of being 2, and he'll have to outgrow it.
the good thing is, it's not every day that he does it. and part of it could be that when i work 3 days a week, he doesn't get to see me except for early in the morning when i get him ready for daycare.
so it could all be contributing.
thanks again!